Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a hurry to get your family out the door, everything that could possibly go wrong happens exactly as you’re about to leave?
I have three kids – 3rd grade, 7th grade, and 9th grade. We are past the ages of diaper bags and bottles, we don’t have car seats or baby carriers anymore, I don’t usually have to pack extra outfits and a dozen snacks every time we venture out of the house – but I still can’t seem to get everybody ready in a timely fashion.
The system I started using a while ago was giving the kids lots of “warnings.”
Hey kids, we’re leaving in 30 minutes. You need to have shoes on, a coat on, and please pee within the next 30 minutes.
Hey kids, 15 minutes until go time. Make sure you know where all the items are that you need so that you’re not scrambling.
Hey kids, 5 minutes until we go. Time to turn off devices. Pee if you haven’t yet. Get your shoes on.
This system sounds great, right? In theory it should work. But for some reason I still find myself shouting, “HURRY UP! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR SHOES? WHY DIDN’T YOU PEE WHEN I ASKED YOU TO?”
I found the word that turns this from rushing to shouting, though.
The other day when I told my youngest (age 9) to “hurry up” I watched him freeze internally. He was under pressure to get his shoes on in a rush and now, since I told him to hurry, he couldn’t hardly put them on at all (and now he magically needs to #2).
Hurry. That’s it, that’s the word that I can’t say. This is the most counterproductive word in my house. Whenever I tell my kids to hurry, they try to hurry – and this is when they get flustered and can’t find their coat/shoes/gloves, knock things over, spill their drink, accidentally injure themselves or others, burst into tears, etc. And have you ever tried to find anything when you’re in a hurry? It doesn’t work.
I realized that I set the tone for this. If I’m freaking out about how we are going to be late, then I’m using a sense of urgency in my voice that makes my kids feel like they’re being yelled at. This doesn’t make them hurry. This makes them upset. Then I usually put the icing on the cake by making an awful comment like “You never get your stuff ready ahead of time! You always wait until the last second and now we’re late!” So super mature of me, right?
My system of setting expectations works wonderfully as long as I can keep my own tone and temper under control. If I can give the kids warnings at 30 minutes, 15 minutes, 5 minutes (and sometimes in between if I see that there is no forward progress happening in the house), and if I can keep my cool and refrain from telling anybody to “hurry”, we can frequently get out the door without any tears being shed. Here’s my system:
I give the kids the plan for the day in the morning. “Today, we’re volunteering at noon.”
At 30 minutes, I set expectations. “We’re leaving in 30 minutes, you need to have a coat on, and it’s a long car ride so bring a snack and something to keep you occupied. Please use the bathroom.” (You have to tell them to use the bathroom, because if you don’t, they all will wait until we are loading in the car and then decide that they all need to go.)
At 15 minutes, I check progress. “We are heading out in 15 minutes. Do you have everything set aside that you need for when we go? Don’t start a new game/round/video after this one finishes.”
At 5 minutes, we stop what we’re doing and make our way out the door. “5 minutes! Devices off, shoes and coats on!”
What do I do between these updates? I have to follow what I’m telling my kids to do. I have to keep my crap together and lead by example. I’m packing my things – snacks, purse, whatever. I don’t wait until 30 seconds before we are supposed to leave to try to find things. I keep a casual pace so I don’t look like I’m frenzied. I keep calm, so my kids can keep calm too.
Your demeanor is contagious.
I’m not saying that I am never late to anything – far from it. But once I learned what not to say when we were getting ready – boy did the entire temperature change around the process of getting ready to leave.
I’d be curious to hear what other tricks and tools you have to get your family out the door in a timely organized manner – especially if you have littles!
