Recently I had the most gut-wrenching talk with my 6-year-old son. He wanted to know why his father has abandoned us and why he is not coming back. As a solo parent, we have had these discussions on and off for the past three years. To be frank, the topic of conversation isn’t as significant as the emotions fueling it. No matter the crisis or how sensitive the subject; we owe it to our children to give them the tools to cope with stressful situations.
Are you familiar with the term mindfulness? It is a synonym of conscious living. It is my top coping skill that I use most often with my children. To be mindful is to bring awareness to the present. Through my actions of conscious living, my children are learning the skills that will help them for the rest of their lives. There are multiple benefits as to why to teach our children mindfulness. For example, my son can finally articulate his feelings with words that aren’t clouded by sadness and anger. Emotionally fueled conversations never go anywhere, and no one likes to have a conversation that goes in circles.
To be honest, I dread any conversation that has to do with his father, but I owe it to my kids to allow them to express and self-regulate their feelings. As a parent, it is imperative to have an open line of communication without dismissing their feelings or creating excuses as a quick band-aid for the topic on hand. I allow him to vent all of his frustrations on the matter before we have an actual discussion. It allows me to see where his thoughts are going and help him get some of those emotions out. We do a quick breathing exercise, he breathes in for a count of 3 and out for the same amount of time. After doing this a few times, he is a little calmer, and the stress that is fueling the discussion starts to dissipate.
I start with a recap of what he said when he was venting. In this situation, he is upset that his father never calls or skypes with him. He is also frustrated that his father hasn’t visited in years and lives so far away. I break down the conversation to one section at a time. First, we discussed the lack of phone calls and skyping frustration. Next, we talked about his father’s physical absence. We troubleshoot ways in the present we can work towards a resolution that will make him feel better. We both know we cannot force his father to pick up the phone, nor can we force him to move to Minnesota or visit. There are things we can do so his father knows how he feels. Journaling is a great way to get those feelings out and stay in the present. We also utilize art and build with legos to express how he feels and transform his thoughts and worries into something tangible. My son decided he would write his father a letter. I sat with him and helped him write out his feelings and helped him with spelling. Writing gave my son a sense of purpose that he has control over a situation that is out of his control.
This exercise is just one of MANY mindful activities we do at home. My children are so much more kind, thoughtful, and understanding since I have implemented conscious living in our house. How do you talk to your kids about stressful situations and are there any coping skills you use? If you’d like to learn more about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into your home, please comment and let’s start a discussion.
