I vividly remember sitting in the back seat of our minivan as my husband was driving us home from church one wintry Sunday afternoon eight years ago. I was gazing at my beautiful three-month-old baby girl, cozy in her car seat, and in that moment, I had an epiphany.
This is it. Motherhood is what I was meant for.
Sounds inspiring, right?
Let’s back up even further. Since the day I met my husband, he knew his calling. He had a vision for what he wanted in life and set out to make it happen. To be honest, this is part of what attracted me to him. His certainty. His drive.
I, on the other hand, sometimes felt like I was walking blindly through college, and even grad school, following the path that seemed to be laying itself in front of me, not quite sure of what I truly wanted or what I was meant to do.
But then, in the back seat of my minivan, I felt a moment of clarity. This is who I am. And then we all lived happily ever after.
Just kidding.
Shortly after my enlightenment, I went back to work full-time, somewhat resentful of the necessity of it. I have since been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom, and everything in between, all the while embracing the idea that my true calling lay in the three precious cherubs (ha!) in my care.
I’ve come to realize I was wrong.
Fast forward to a year ago. I had this nagging feeling that I was meant for more. I had lost myself over the years as my identity became entwined with my mom-ness. I had gotten to the point where it was getting harder and harder to find the joy in everything else with which I was filling my time.
Over the past year, I’ve spent a fair amount of time self-searching to get to the root of this discontent. Through this, slowly, I’m rediscovering what makes me tick. I’m choosing to take time to intentionally do the things I enjoy. And, for the most part, I’m not overscheduling myself to the point where I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.
I now see that motherhood doesn’t define me. My identity is at the core of who I am, not just my current life stage.
If you feel like you’ve lost your way on this beautiful journey of motherhood – in the mountains of laundry, the piles of dirty diapers, the never-ending to do list, an outside job, a messy house, and school projects – you may also need to set aside some time to self-reflect. So grab that cup of coffee, a journal, and steal a few moments alone if you can.
Here are some guiding questions that have helped me, and may help you.
What brought you joy as a child?
When were you the happiest in your youth? Was it acting on stage? Building with Legos? Playing in a secret tree fort? Make a list of your most contented moments, and look for common threads. Maybe you’ve been holding on to the same dream since you were a little girl, and finally just need to make a move.
What do your friends say?
People on the outside have a perspective into our lives that we cannot see for ourselves. What skills do others close to you notice? (My friends were saints last year, listening to me, encouraging and suggesting.)
How can your passion benefit others?
I believe there is delight to be had in using our gifts to better the lives of those around us. Do you love playing an instrument? You could join the community band! Do you have a knack for photography? You could volunteer to be the designated picture-taker for your child’s sports team!
So what if you fail?
It’s ok to try a few things on to see what they’re like. Step outside your comfort zone (easier said than done, I know!), and see where it takes you. I myself am a perfectionist and hesitate to try things at which I might not succeed immediately, but there’s a lot to be said about having a growth mindset in life!
As you reflect and, you might find that getting back in touch with your passions means a career shift. Or it may not! It might simply be a way to find more joy in the day-to-day.
But don’t hide, Momma. You have so much to offer.
