Oh, we introverts. So misunderstood. Fortunately, we’re actually not a minority! Half of you know what it’s like, and yet the topic of being introverted and—gasp!–functioning in society is intriguing. This introvert married an extrovert, so the topic of our differences is quite the common topic in our home. How does an introvert married to an extrovert keep herself sane? I mean, how does this even work? Lots and lots of talk and understanding.
Let me paint a picture for you…
It had been a FULL week. As in, a week full of dental and doctor appointments, evening meetings and parent-teacher conferences. It was a week where a mom constantly finds herself listing off the events of the day to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. It was a week where only one meal was cooked without a microwave… well, except to thaw meat. The week was full of “this and that” and peppered with spontaneous small talk chats. Let me just say it: this is not my kind of week. Enter: outgoing husband. He had already dragged me to a meeting I could barely speak at. He had encouraged me to go to said social functions. Now he was telling me of his hopeful plans for the weekend. “So and so is in town and I want to spend the morning over there, the afternoon over here and the evening maybe we could do this?”
I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, about to cry.
“Is that okay?” he asks. Um. No. That is not okay. I am not okay. I want to be taken to a dark room for the rest of the weekend thankyouverymuch. I love you and I’ll miss you, but I’ll take a big, fat PASS because you’ve GOT to be kidding me. I’m sure he understood all that in my simple response that was prepped with a pause. “I’ll think about it.”
Fast forward to the day after we had spent that morning over there and that afternoon over here and the evening doing whatever-it-was. I’m in tears. I’m worn out. Not only is my energy depleted, but I’m starting to wonder what is wrong with me??? Why can’t I do all this? Why do I need so. much. self care? Why am I this way?! Funny how we decide it’s a good time to ask complex philosophical questions when we’re barely able to make intelligible sounds.
My husband was gracious enough to respect my slammed door and silence. I sat. I sat and did nothing for almost an hour! And as I picked up the pieces of my fragmented doubts, I reminded myself of who I am. I am designed this way.
What being introverted means
Introverts get charged from being alone. When we need mental or emotional energy, we tune in with ourselves. We pause to think and search for answers within our minds. While extroverts talk to think, we think to talk. While extroverts get pumped by being around others, our energy levels wain through the night… even though we may be having a blast.
What being an introvert doesn’t mean
Introverts are not automatically shy, quiet or awkward folks. We don’t dislike the human race and we’re not inherently self-centered. (I’m sure we could all think of plenty of self-centered extroverts!) We can be quite well-adjusted (ahem) and comfortable in social settings. We can desire to be with people. Yes, introverts get lonely, too.
We just have our limits. And we have our own ways of interacting—preferred methods of receiving and dishing out attention. If you, like my husband, feel totally lost at this point, let me offer some simple pointers.
How to love an introvert well
- Give us choices. Remember when my hubby did well at asking, “is that okay?” Yay and yes! But gimme something more. Maybe a full day of fun, fun, fun is two fun’s past a clump of hair falling out of my head. A better proposition would be to ask if I’d like to go to two or all three, for instance. Or if you’re planning a company picnic, offer options that shake up all that wonderful team-building time.
- Await permission. My son had stitches recently and his biggest ache was not of the needle, but from the unwanted attention. A simple, “can I ask how you got that?” gave him the power to hold his truth to himself or to openly trust. But a quick, “what happened there?” leaves him feeling vulnerable. Believe me, we want to open up. But it may not be now. Knock on the door with a, “can I ask you something?” or “is it a good time to talk?” You’ll likely find that we’ll let you in just for being considerate.
- Give permission. We are each a universe–each different, each complex. Let us be us. Don’t shame your quiet kid who isn’t the social butterfly you’ve diligently taught her to be. All she may want is one good friend. Nothing drives an introvert more into their internal hole than feeling misunderstood… or worse, un-understandable.
- Don’t assume. Listen. Everybody loves to be greeted with a warm smile and a handshake, right? According to a story told in this podcast, some people complain that too many people welcomed them at church! We all have assumptions of what people want. But per usual, ask questions, look out for nuances, and listen. My husband and I have had many conversations that begin with, “I know this might sound crazy, but I’d rather you…”
- Be chill. I know I’ve thrown a lot of tips at you that encourage talking and asking and listening and understanding… But after all that, let’s not linger there. We all want to have fun and relax in each other’s company.
On behalf of all my fellow intro-awesome friends out there, I want to say thank you for aiming to love us well. We may not be the minority, but many societal ques tell us we should operate differently. When you reach out to us in these thoughtful ways, you make us feel comfortable—both around you and in our own skin.
