Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step. – Naeem Callaway
28 months ago I took that step and started a journey that would continue to this day. It was October 2013, Depression and anxiety were holding me hostage; I was functioning, but not living. Years of inactivity, three kids and not watching what I ate were taking their toll. Food was my comfort, and I let it control me. I was tired all the time and napping away moments I should have been spending with my family. Besides being tired, I could no longer keep up with my kids, it was a chore to get up off the floor, and I would get winded just going up the stairs. I had just had my twenty year high school reunion and I would be turning 40 in a year.
I was uncomfortable in my own body. I knew the sentiments behind comments like “if you just lost a little weight you’d feel so much better” were not meant to hurt. I was well aware I was overweight. It was only a matter of time before my weight became a medical issue. I would lie awake at night beating myself up for the things I had or had not done during the day, the things I had eaten that were contributing to me being uncomfortable, and the regrets I had about not being present with the kids. My mind would swirl with answers and excuses for each thought. Where was the person I used to be?
I finally hit my breaking point. To this day when people ask me what it was, I can’t tell them, it was nothing specific. I have nothing I can point to that I can say, “it was this or that,” it was just time. I was over it. I was over feeling uncomfortable, and everything that went with it. I was over the comments, the guilt and feeling like I was not worth it. Just over it.
I knew what I had to do. I was just not sure how to go about it. With every solution I came up with, the bottom line was I had to change, I had to change what I ate, and how I thought about food. I had to get moving and participate in life. There was no magic pill or quick fix. It would be challenging and I would have to commit. I also knew I couldn’t do it alone. I would need support and encouragement and someone to tell me it was going to be all right. The answer for me was found at the local athletic club. It was a place we could go as a family and spend time together being active. In a time long forgotten, I was once a competitive swimmer. I enjoyed downhill skiing, and anything that brought me outdoors. Things I had not done in years. I knew deep down inside that person was still in me.
That November I signed up for a twelve week program that gave me the support and resources of a
dietitian, personal trainer and health coach. I was on my way to a happy, healthier, and more energetic me. I started tracking everything I ate; I became aware of the mindless eating I was doing. You know all the cheerios, and stuff we grab off the kids’ plates so it doesn’t go to waste. It all adds up. I gained strategies for making healthier choices, dealing with being hungry and widening my pallet. I was sure anything that was good for me couldn’t taste good, I was SO wrong. I leaned that taking time for me to exercise was giving my kids a better more focused mom who was present and not napping. I found motivation and solutions to perceived obstacles that were holding me back from succeeding previously. I was scared of looking dumb, I am not coordinated, I don’t like to sweat and I didn’t have time. All excuses! I had to change the way I talked to myself. Four weeks into my first 12 weeks I fell and broke my wrist. I could have used it as an excuse to quit or I could look at it as a challenge to keep going. I chose challenge, It was at this point I knew I was committed and going to succeed.
“She turned her can’ts into cans, and her dreams into plans.” – Kobi Yamada
I was fortunate to find a program that worked for me, but if that’s not an option let me offer this little bit: It’s the small steps. The little things you can change that make a big impact. Choose to be more active, take the stairs, or a walk around the block. Write down everything you eat. I use an app on my phone called My Fitness Pal that helps track all my food and calories. Be kind to yourself, there will be days you just don’t think you can, try anyway. When you think that the job at hand is bigger than what you have in you, look back at how far you have come. Celebrate you and the little things that have turned into big things.
I am so glad I took that first step. I continue with the program to this day for maintenance and support. It’s a life-long commitment that I have made. I have had ups and downs, but have been able to maintain a 100 pound weight loss in the 2 plus years since I started. Someone once asked me what I gained when I lost the weight; it was such a good question. I thought for a moment, there were so many things, (confidence, energy, memories, pictures with me in them, and a new wardrobe) I smiled and said, “My life back.”
This post is part of a series called “Journey Together” written by Rochester, MN moms who are bravely living out their individual stories. Click here, here and here to read other posts in the series.
