Nothing prepares you.
We all become mothers at different times. For some of us, it’s that first pregnancy test, for others it’s the moment of birth, and for some of the rest of us it can be years of love in the heart before they reach our arms. No matter how motherhood arrives, we try to live in the moment, and not think about the day that our child will no longer need us. For months and weeks I’ve been preparing myself mentally for this day.
College move-in day.
The day where many parents drive some distance away from their homes, with one -or more – of their children, and then just leave them there. To fend for themselves. Like wild animals, we just leave them. Alone. With strangers. And we drive back to our homes, not knowing when we’ll see them again. Guys. This is brutal.
It’s impossible to plan out a day like today. I mean, sure, you can spend unbelievable amounts of money on toiletries, organizational cubes, new shoes, and office supplies. You’ll plot out travel time, and print off directions, and tetris pack your vehicle. You’ll follow the directions of the campus volunteers directing you to the appropriate dorm building; you’ll load up your carts and schlep their possessions to their new home. Maybe you’ll run into people you know, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to meet the roommate – bonus if you meet his or her parents – and then you’ll unpack the clothes your child has deemed worthy of a year away from home. You’ll unpack new dishes and junk food you’d never keep on hand at home. You’ll make their beds – praying that they’ll actually sleep in them, and then please oh please wash the sheets from time to time. You’ll make *another* last minute dash to Target, because even though you insisted that a fan would be necessary, your warnings were not heard. Until 90 degree move-in day comes along, and gosh, it sure would be nice to have a fan…. so one more last minute shopping adventure for old times’ sake. There are RAs popping their heads in dorm rooms, check-in tables at every turn, orientations, and food tables. There is a whole day of activities to fill your time. It’s easy to stay distracted.
We found that there were parents who were nervous about their son or daughter. Would they make friends and find their way around the school? Some students were practically holding their parents’ hands, as they shuffled about the campus excited about their newest adventure! Other students were indifferent about their parents being there. We talked to a pair who told us that their daughter welcomed them to stay for the welcome event that was to take place in the evening. Good. Good for them. I was mostly happy for them. Unfortunately, there is also the green-eyed human part of me that longed for a child who wanted us to stick around.
Instead, we have a wildly independent, fiercely opinionated, hopelessly honest teenage son who was quite vocal that our services were no longer needed. He would have been completely satisfied if we had just dropped him off at the curb with his things and drove away. He didn’t hesitate to remind us throughout the day that we didn’t need to stay. Even when we parted ways for the afternoon, and let him do his own thing for a while, he was still surprised that we were still there when we met up again at the arranged time. This is the boy who couldn’t sleep the night before. and woke us up at 6 in the morning, and insisted we get to the campus ASAP- he was so ready! We considered not staying for the welcome event – to appease the newest college freshman, when another mother said to me “You’ll never regret staying, but you may regret going.” So once again, we were convicted to stay – much to his dismay.
When the time finally came for us to leave, we were so exhausted from the events of the day and from being frequently reminded that we were overstaying our welcome, that the goodbye came fairly easily. Watching brothers who are as close as our sons say goodbye was hard to handle. For me. though, a couple sweet hugs, a wish for fun, and away for home we went. Visions of our final pre-college trip together as a family of 4 flashed through my mind. I reflected on our hike in the Boundary Waters from the day before. I replayed the conversations and laughter we had walking through the woods. And then I started questioning everything…
Where did I go wrong?
Why wasn’t our child holding our hand and jabbering on about all things college? Why wasn’t he reluctant to see us go? Did we teach him all that we needed to teach him? Did I say all that needed to be said? Does he know what to do in a compromising situation? Will he be able to communicate with his roommate? Won’t he miss us? Will he show more compassion to others than he did us on his final day? When will I even hear from him again…this one is enough to want to turn around. This just seems so unnatural. We didn’t have enough time. How will I ever know that he learned the lessons I tried to teach him?
And then, at 7:28, a text came in, and my faith was renewed, and we continued on home.
He’s ready. And someday, I will be too.
