“Since having baby I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband. We fight all the time over little things. Before we got married we have had so much fun together. Now, it seems like we are more like roommates than a couple. I miss my husband. What can I do?”
This may come as a surprise: studies show that marital satisfaction drops dramatically after the birth of a baby with an increase in marital arguments during the postpartum period. But there is hope! Studies also show that marital satisfaction starts to rebound around the 9- to 12-month mark postpartum.
So, what influences the drop? Let’s look at two possibilities: your brain and lifestyle changes.
Did you know a woman’s brain changes in preparation for motherhood?
Neurologically the maternal brain is gearing up during pregnancy to ensure a strong bond and attachment between mom and baby. The chemical and neurological changes in the pregnant brain looks similar to a person’s brain when they fall in love for the first time. Which is good, since infants are dependent on their caregivers for survival. So, it is natural that feelings of love for your spouse diminish postpartum.
Along with postpartum brain changes, sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormones, and a little person who requires constant round-the-clock care completely drain your mental capacity to be a rational and sane human being. Now life’s little irritations seem like big giant boulders that are grating on every nerve in your body. Many parents have sat on my couch expressing these same frustrations. They are exhausted, overwhelmed, and struggling to reconnect with each other.
So, what can you do?
Make Time for Togetherness
Fondness and affection for your spouse can get buried under the physical, emotional, and mental demands of caring for a newborn. It is not uncommon for couples to feel emotionally distant from each other during the first year postpartum.
One step you can take towards improving your postpartum relationship is scheduling time once a week to sit down either at home, coffee shop, or restaurant for some alone time as a couple. Intentionally setting aside time weekly improves marital compassion and understanding, which fosters emotional intimacy. I usually recommend that the person who is not shouldering the main responsibility of childcare make the arrangements for “date night” i.e. babysitting, time, location…
Sometimes post-baby brain drain can make it challenging to think of conversation starters.
Here are 6 great love reminders I utilize to encourage emotional closeness between couples:
1. How did I know I had fallen in love with my spouse?
2. What are three qualities I love about my spouse?
3. When do I feel closest to my spouse?
4. What value does my spouse bring to the relationship?
5. When I feel distant in our relationship what activities help me feel reconnected with my spouse.
6. What are your three favorite activities to do with your spouse?
When you feel ready you can start incorporating sex into your weekly togetherness routine. Sex is a great reminder that you are not roommates but a couple doing life together.
Work As A Team
Sometime recurrent marital disagreements are a result of each of you not getting your needs met. Statistically the majority of household chores and childcare responsibilities fall on mom. To that I say, “Spouses: time to get your dishes on and brush up on your laundry-folding skills.” Spouses doing a load of dishes or laundry can do loads of good for your love life.
Having a baby means both of you are going to have to contribute more to the relationship. The way you did life before as a couple may not translate into this new phase of life. More than likely, your household expectations and self-care needs have shifted. Communicate with your spouse your top three needs and ask him what his are. Then problem solve together what can be done to help each of you get your needs met.
Some of your needs may be stemming from low love-tank levels. When your love tank is low, it is challenging to “lovingly contribute” in your marriage. A great resource for learning how to fill each other’s love tanks is “The 5 Love Language Test” by Gary Chapman. Also, it is a wonderful date night conversation starter.
Redesign Your Expectations
Your life just got a whole lot messier. Adding a new human being to the mix alters marital and family dynamics. It will take time to find your family’s new relationship equilibrium. In the meantime: Laugh at your imperfect life. Laugh alone. Laugh with your friends. Laugh with your spouse. Take every expectation you had about motherhood, and throw it out window. See each day as a new opportunity to learn more about yourself, your spouse, and this amazing little person you are raising. And laugh. Don’t forget to laugh. You are going to need those endorphins.
Above all, take good care of yourself, and lean on your support systems. Download your frustrations over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee with a good friend. Seek counsel from a professional, pastor, or mentor. Ask for help, nurture your mind and body, and know you are doing a great job.
allison jean loftus MA, LPC
