“Mommy,” he whispered in my ear, “do you know that I love you a whole jellybean full?”
“Oh, yeah?” I try to cover up my yawn. My wiggly boy is stalling bedtime again.
“Yeah! How much do you love me?” he giggles back.
“I love you eighty-three thousand, four-hundred, and eighty-two chocolate muffins.”
Some days our kids need to hear “I love you” seemingly endless times per day. They want to know how valuable they are. But really, how different is that from us as adults? We’ve got built-in networks of friends and fellow adults to affirm us, but we still long to know how valuable and appreciated we are. In our family, with three young kids, we talk about this longing to be known and to be loved in terms of our “love bucket” being full or empty.
There are some specific times in each child’s life that are pivotal times to slide an “I love you” into your little one’s “love bucket.”
- When they wake up. Begin each day with an intentional reminder that they are valued and cared for. Try to hold off on the “Brush your teeth, get out of bed, get dressed!” orders until you’ve told them you love them. It’s so hard. Especially Mondays.
- When they make you angry. Kids need to know that they’re still loved, even when they’re driving you crazy. Demonstrate this in your marriage and friendships, too. Show them that it’s healthy to have some amount of conflict in a relationship, but that conflict doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.
- When you’re laughing with them. Don’t turn “love” into a serious thing. Love can be downright playful too. Let your kids know that you love them. Say it in a silly voice. Spell it in pancakes. If you’ve got kids that like making armpit noises, go right ahead and squeak out armpit “I love you’s” too. Or don’t. But it might be fun.
- When they fail. Kids can be so hard on themselves. They attach their self-worth to their performance. They need to know that they’re more than the actions that they do.
- When they succeed. Let them know you love them for who they are, not only because they have accomplished something.
- When they’re afraid. Sometimes my little kids need a “kiss for keeps” in the palm of their hands to remind them that I love them. Big kids can need this same reassurance, too. Often this will look like just sitting next to a child, or holding his or her hand. Sometimes it’s taking them out for a special coffee drink and talking.
- When they’ve embarrassed you. This is the big one for me. (See #4. It’s basically the adult version.) Sometimes I tie my self-worth to my kids’ behavior. And I can be overly hard on them, when they’re acting in ways that are perfectly appropriate for the ages that they are. Embarrassment is no place to discipline from, so reminding yourself and your child that you love them (and perhaps taking a deep breath or two) is a way to reframe your mind before you address any correction that needs to take place.
There are scads of other times when you could tell your child that you love them. Do it often. Fill their little love buckets.
