When I dreamed of becoming a mother, there are some things I never would have been able to predict:
- I could never have predicted how much I could love a tiny human being.
- I never would have guessed how comfortable I would become with another person’s bodily fluids.
- And I definitely, for sure, not a chance, NEVER could have imagined myself raising my voice at a child.
For some reason I thought that patience was just going to naturally be granted to me by the Nice Mom Fairy once my child was born. I would hear that first tiny cry, be overcome with a deep, shiny love that glowed out of my eyes, and I would instantly be kind, understanding, and loving. That’s what happens to all the other moms, right? Right??
I am in so much awe of the calm, patient mamas I meet who seem to handle the most intense moments with quiet voices and gentle words. While I do my best to maintain a calm atmosphere, give lots of choices, and nurture my son, there are a few situations where I start frantically looking for that Nice Mom Fairy that never showed up. Here are a few examples, as well as the things that seem to help us both make it through these frustrating moments.
When we are driving. Maybe it’s just my child, but he becomes a bit of a dictator in the car. He tells me I can’t sing, or talk to him, or look at him. (I sing anyway. He whines at me to stop the whole time.) He cries for food, then throws the food when I give it to him. He wants his water, then hands it back screaming. By the time we arrive anywhere, my shoulders are scrunched up to my ears and I’m all tensed up. But then I open the car door and he gives me a huge grin and a “Hi, Mamma!” Like, what?
What I do: Since there’s not a lot I can change about this situation, I just take a lot of deep breaths and pray he outgrows it. Sometimes, he can be distracted by the ABCs or the vehicles around us, but not always.
When I am hungry. I am the first to admit, I get hangry. There are times that I just need ten minutes to make myself food before I can function as a responsible adult. But without fail, those are the EXACT moments my two year old suddenly needs my total and undivided attention, or else it’s melt-down city.
What I do: I usually offer to let him help make food, or play in the sink with some measuring cups and spoons. I also have a small container of dry rice and pasta that he’ll sometimes be content to play with in a baking pan. (Side note, why do I have toys in my house again?) This usually entertains him long enough for me to inhale some much-needed nutrients.
When I’m in the potty. Yep. You can laugh, but I’m sure you can also sympathize. No matter what my son is doing, no matter how engaged he is with his play or a show or a snack…the second I head into the bathroom, he’s following me and telling me I need to be done. Most of the time, I’m in and out before he can get too mad about it, but every now and then, I just need some time, ya know? And oh my goodness. That is NOT okay with him. He whines. He cries. He straight up SCREAMS at me. Which at any other time, would result in a time-out and a chat about using inside voices. But what is a parent to do when your toddler is screaming full-strength just out of reach from your spot on the potty? I wish I could say that I remain calm and, a’hem…potty on. But I’m still working on this one.
What I do: Unfortunately, this seems to be the main situation in which a calm, understanding attitude evades me. Since it turns out that yelling at a toddler to, you know, stop yelling isn’t usually that effective, (who knew?) I am working on just letting it go, knowing that he’ll outgrow this time of life so soon. Or, at the very least, that we’ll live somewhere with a lock on the bathroom door one day.
The silver lining is that these situations have taught me a lot about myself and how I handle stress in general. They have taught me to think outside the box and come up with solutions to frustrating problems. They have taught me that yelling back is pretty much never effective, which is a lesson that I feel applies to a lot more than raising children. These, and other, frustrating parenting moments have also taught me the value of apologizing, even if it’s to a tiny person whose diaper I still change. None of us are perfect parents, but all of us can learn from the moments that frustrate us the most.
Still, if you happen to run into that Nice Mom Fairy, I’d appreciate it if you sent her my way. I’ll even try not to yell at her for being late.
