Whether it be from conflict, absenteeism, abuse, death, divorce, personality differences, what have you… Sometimes mother-daughter relationships can be tough.
I grew up with a wonderful mom. I am so indebted to her. But there were certain pivotal times in my life that she was just not there when I needed her. I’m typing this cautiously, hesitantly, because I am well aware that my own kids could be penning this kind of thought someday.
For whatever reason, the area that my mom and I didn’t connect the most was the area of hygiene and clothing. I have a strong personality, and my mom didn’t want to fight about clothes or hygiene with her pre-teen or teen daughter. I get it. I hate arguing with my own kids about clothes.
THINGS I WISH MY MOM HAD TOLD ME:
1. What color underwear to wear on which occasions. It wasn’t until my college roommate pointed out that I was wearing a white bra under a black dress, that I was aware this was an issue. Also, I found myself googling “What color underwear to wear underneath a white dress.”
2. Shaving. My mom handed me a razor and said “here you go.” No instructions. No advice. No talk of hair removal (of ANY area) ever occurred, so I’ve had to google some very odd things. Also, THANK YOU YouTube, because some women just let ALL of their hair removal advice out there. Very informative. Don’t even ask about the time I had to google about hair removal “down there.” I had to let my husband know that I wasn’t looking for questionable content online….just trying to figure out what to do with my own body.
3. Body odor. Okay, not now, but as a young teen, having this conversation with my mom would have been helpful. A middle-aged woman took me aside one time and told me that she could smell that I was having my period and that I needed to change my menstrual pad. I honestly had no idea that it smelled that badly. So now I am hypervigilant about body odor and smells. But that would have been a great conversation to have.
4. Massage and/or manicures. These never happened, and I am so uncomfortable even now as an adult with the idea of going in for my first massage or manicure by myself, that I don’t know if it will ever happen.
5. Weight issues: my mom never even touched the topic body image or what a healthy body looks like in her conversations with me. It was a no-talk zone. Because of this, I gained all of my perception from my peers and grew up with a distorted body image (although no eating disorder occurred, fortunately). I struggle with the knowledge that my self-perception is inaccurate and fight this battle daily. I wish my mom would have emphasized strength in her conversations with me or addressed eating habits in a way that taught me nutritive principles.
6. Makeup. How much is too much, where to put it, what colors look good on me. As a teen, I once had someone ask if I had an eye infection. Nope. Just put eyeshadow in the completely wrong spots.
The reason I am choosing to write about this is because all of these hygiene/personal appearances contribute to how I perceive and portray myself as a woman. Self-confidence is a deal breaker when it comes to being a business person, a good friend, a good mom. Because my mom didn’t address these issues with me, I became a person who outwardly didn’t care about appearances but inwardly panicked any time I was required to figure something out for myself. Choosing outfits for events and family photo shoots is the worst kind of hell for me. And I don’t say that lightly. I would rather speak at a conference, address the parents of my child’s bully, or volunteer for any PTA event than to dress myself for a photo or event.
I know that we live in a society that says that there is too much focus on the external with our kids. But, as someone who grew up in a family with absolutely no focus on the external, I have to say, please talk to your kids about their bodies. Talk to them about appearances. Talk to them about what is appropriate or inappropriate. Don’t be afraid of an argument. They will be so grateful to you when they’re adults. Or perhaps, they won’t be….but they won’t be handicapped. They’ll be able to flourish in social settings, wear appropriate clothes at weddings and funerals, and not have to google strange things.
{Due to the sensitive nature of this post, the author has chosen to publish anonymously.}
