Before I decided to become a surrogate, I had never struggled with fertility. I had never experienced the anguish of losing pregnancies, or the pain of not getting pregnant at all. For so long I empathized for women who have exhausted all efforts, who have put their bodies through every medical and holistic treatment with hopes that the ending will be a tiny babe in her own womb. For years I considered the ways in which I could help. Surrogacy was always at the top of the list. Then, last year, after a series of circumstances in my small world, it became clear – the time had come to help a mother get her baby.
Her baby.
Misconceptions about surrogacy
One of the common questions people ask surrogates is “How can you give away your baby?”
It’s often asked out of concern, occasionally there is an undertone of judgment, and then there are those who are asking because they just don’t understand how this works. And in fairness, why would they? I don’t know a thing about quantum physics and I’d be a terrible conversationalist with someone who does. I cringe when I think of some of the naive things I’ve said about topics I know nothing about. Turns out, Gabrielle Reese is not currently the most famous volleyball player. Huh. One of many things I know little about.
First of all. This baby is not my baby.
Over the years, I’ve watched a variety of young ones for friends and family. It was always clear to me and my family that the child we were caring for was not ours to keep. We would love it, and play with the child, sing songs, and teach lessons. We’d feed the child and over all keep the child safe. In the end, the parents would return and off the child would go. Surrogacy is no different. The baby I will carry will belong to the amazing and loving parents who have been attempting for many *years* to hold their very own baby. I don’t really care for the phrase “their bun my oven” because it sounds a little crass to me; however, it does sum things up pretty clearly. Certainly there is a traditional form of surrogacy where the carrier will use her own eggs; however, that is uncommon – illegal in many states – and not a good fit for me or my husband.
Next, surrogates do not do this for the income.
It’s painful to even write that sentence. Somewhere in the world there are “bad” Christians, “bad” politicians, “bad” grocery store baggers… it doesn’t mean everyone in those categories are bad. Yes. There may be some people who choose to be a surrogate for the income, but in the friendships and circles I’ve become a part of, I’ve found it to be nonexistent. The women I’ve come to know are mothers, just like me, who want to experience the gift of helping another mother have her baby. There isn’t enough money to compensate a woman for all the medications, procedures, and risks involved in a pregnancy, if it wasn’t for the genuine and pure desire to bring a baby to his or her parents. Compensation is certainly a consideration before making a decision to become a surrogate, but it is definitely not a motivation.
Another misconception – the surrogate will change her mind and want to keep the baby.
False. In the 30+ years that surrogacy has taken place in the US, over 23,000 babies have been delivered by a surrogate. Of those 23,000 births, only 26 times has a woman tried to change her mind. We’re more likely to be hit by lightning – twice – than have a surrogate change her mind. And for me, I am 2 years away from being an empty nester. I am not remotely interested in starting over with spelling tests and t-ball games. I loved every phase of parenting. And there are days I miss it. I look fondly on the mothers experiencing those milestones. However, my husband and I are beyond those days, and are cherishing the phase we are in with our sons. Not only does a surrogacy contract spend 28 pages reminding us in various ways that this baby does not belong with me…I could never do that to the intended parents. Clearly, neither can 22,000+ other women. The picture in my mind of watching my chosen mother see and hold her baby for the first time is what gets me through the injections and nausea. There’s no changing my mind.
Another idea out there is that a woman who cannot conceive her own child should just be content with adoption.
Um. This is delicate, because adoption is another amazing and loving route to go in the path to parenthood. I admire wholeheartedly the folks who go through the grueling, lengthy, heart-wrenching process of adoption. I understand that religion is a factor for those who think adoption is the next option for an infertile parent. They are genuine followers of their faith, they believe that to live by The Word means surrogacy is a religious no-no. I support that. I also support those whose personal faith and leaders in faith have helped them recognize that science and faith can work together.
I am humbled by the fertility process. I’ve learned after the heartache and disappointment of 2 unsuccessful embryo transfers that I am even more convicted and determined to end this journey with a baby in the arms of his or her mother. There is little that is easy about surrogacy. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. There are risks and rewards that need to be weighed, there are advantages and disadvantages, and it is not a route meant for everyone. It’s a personal journey that I’m proud to be on, and excited to share!
