A couple years back I attended a work conference and one of the speakers challenged us to accept help as it was given to us. My boss, who was attending with me, challenged me further to accept help. My first response – “Absolutely not!”
How often do we decline help offered to us because we’d rather have it done our way? I mean, I do this ALL the time. When my kids want to “help” with something – my youngest often will grab the broom and sweep the kitchen, or he’ll help load or unload the dishwasher – I have to fight the urge to intervene and show him how to do it right (see: my way).
I could go on and on about how kids doing chores is a process of them learning with parents guiding (instead of controlling, taking it over, or just outright doing the job again), but I think most of us have heard this before. Accepting help from a willing kid is one thing. What about other adults that offer to help us?
“Let me know if you need anything.” How often have you heard this? How often have you said it?
I’ve never said it and not meant it. So why don’t I ever take people up on it?
To quote a popular (and rather NSFW) show Letterkenny, “When a friend asks you for help, you help them.”
I’ve been trying lately to be brave enough to ask for help. Not all of my asks have been accepted – but I’ve been surprised at how willing others are to assist when I ask. Whether it’s helping with a pet, watching kids, helping move, helping with work tasks (which often includes asking people to volunteer for something), this has been a humbling experience for me.
I’ve been reading some of Brene Brown’s work lately (if you haven’t heard of her, check out her books from the library or watch some of her TED talks – she’s seriously amazing). This has changed my perspective on asking for help. She talks about how vulnerability takes courage. She’s totally right. In order for me to ask for help, I have to admit that I can’t do things on my own. I have to acknowledge that it really does take a village. I’ve also found that the people that I’ve been willing to help are always the most willing to return the favor.
I recently watched my goddaughter and her older brother for a weekend and was paid in homemade monster cookies. When my friends asked me to watch their kids, I accepted instantly, without even knowing the payment. “Wow, that was easy!” They remarked. These are the same people that have answered my middle-of-the-night text messages. That have supported me when I needed it. Of course I’d accept as soon as they asked.
So if you aren’t asking for help, what’s stopping you? Are you afraid of showing your vulnerability? Are you afraid of admitting that you need help? Are you afraid of taking advantage of the goodness and hospitality of others?
Here’s the deal mamas. We need each other. We need to make sure that we aren’t making it look like we can do everything on our own without help. We have to show that this momming thing is hard, and it really does take a village. I’m really tempted to only post social media pics of myself where my makeup is done right and my hair is under control and my family looks clean and happy, but this just isn’t reality. I’m stressed. I’m busy. My kids and I bicker sometimes. We get annoyed with each other. Then someone tells a fart joke, and we all laugh. But we all need breaks.
Towards the end of the summer, I had a friend offer to take my kids for an afternoon so I could get some work done. I graciously accepted (and probably wept a little), and said that I’d quickly get my work done and get my kids back ASAP.
“Or, you could just take a little time for yourself,” they replied.
I accepted their offer. I got work done. I had an hour of peace and quiet to myself.
From now on when someone offers to help me, I’m taking them up on it.
When someone says “Here, let me carry that for you.” My instinct is to say “No, I’m OK, I can do it.” – but I’m unlearning this. Maybe it’s the Minnesotan instinct to decline twice and then accept the third offer.
Accepting help is not weakness. Asking for the help you need is not weakness. We mamas are strong, and we need each other.
