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Rochester Local

When the Entire Family Grieves Together

When I was small, there was a little boy my age that lived across the street. He had one older sister and three younger siblings that he never got to meet – because he passed away before he turned two. His family planted a tree in his memory, and even the younger siblings that never got to meet their big brother knew which tree it was. They’d point at it and say, “That’s Patrick’s tree.” They spoke of their brother as an active character in their family, not like someone that they’d lost.

Now that I’m grown and have children of my own, I see just how beautiful this is. If your family is grappling with a suffocating loss, you have my utmost sympathy. It’s definitely not easy to explain to children the finality of death. But, there are ways to remember as a family.

Like the family across the street from me, planting a tree in memory of a loved one is a beautiful idea. It’s an activity that can be done as a family, with kids participating. You can take family photos in front of the tree, too.

If a tree isn’t possible for your family, try a small garden plot of flowers or even vegetables. These will require more upkeep – but that upkeep of weeding and watering can be done as a family while sharing memories of Nana and how her garden used to grow.

Another way to have the kids actively participate is by making cards every year. This can be on a loved one’s birthday, or for Christmas or New Year’s. Save these, and treasure them.

The most important thing in all of this is to include the entire family in the grief process. Don’t hide grief from your children. The tears shouldn’t have to wait until the kids aren’t around to see. You don’t need to “be strong” for the kids after losing a child, spouse, parent, sibling, or any other loved one. Your vulnerability will teach your kids so much.

Grief takes on a whole new challenge when there is a stigma surrounding your loved one’s passing. It’s ok to explain to your kids that it hurts when you lose someone to suicide or an overdose. You don’t need to overshare or go into extreme detail – just be genuine.

mom and son selfie

When my in-laws lost a nephew, Sam, to mental illness, his parents began working immediately towards ending this stigma. They partnered with their son’s employer to create a 5k and fundraiser. Over the last 3 years, this has raised over $10,000 for NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness). The first 5k was a mere three months after Sam’s passing. I brought my two older kids (then 9 and 11) to participate with me, and I explained to them how we were making a difference in memory of Sam, and what a powerful thing that is!

Maybe hosting a run and a fundraiser isn’t for your family. There are still ways that you can make a difference in memory of your loved one. You can volunteer or make a donation in their memory. There are thousands of organizations out there that do good work – find one that suits your family best.

How you continue to honor the memory of your loved one will stick with your children into their own adulthood, just like the family that lived across the street from me when I was a child.

 

 

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