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Rochester Local

I Lost the Weight- But Then I Gained So Much More

When I first embarked on my weight loss journey several years ago, I never imagined that I would actually end up gaining something even more valuable along the way. In addition to gaining a healthier lifestyle, I gained a new perspective that has transformed me from the inside out.

In order to best explain my inward transformation I must travel back to a time when I first became aware of my body image. Cue wavy flashback sequence with dramatic bubbling music. I was about seven or eight years old when I started hearing negative comments about my weight. I heard these comments so frequently during my youth that I really began to take them to heart. I started to believe what I heard. “You’re fat.” “You shouldn’t eat that.” “You look gross.”

I’m fat.

I shouldn’t eat that.

I’m gross.

My negative inner dialogue began at a young age. As time went on this turned into:  I’m worthless. Who would love me? If only I could be thinner. These thoughts would trickle down and affect all facets of my life. I became self-conscious. I constantly thought people were judging me and thinking about my weight. I would become anxious in new social situations and completely clam up. It kept me from doing things I wished I could do and kept me from feeling free to be myself.

Years passed and I became a mommy. Growing tiny humans made my heart sing and my body become an unrecognizable foreign terrain. From that moment on, it was a downward spiral. All of a sudden I found myself in mommy-mode. I became so busy putting everyone needs ahead of my own that I slipped into an unhealthy lifestyle. I completely stopped exercising and I was eating a very poor diet. My negative self-talk was in full force. My confidence plummeted even further.

“But then something changed, and I lost over 60 pounds and dropped 10 dress sizes. It’s still surreal to be able to say that!”

Now this is the point in the post where I’m supposed to tell you the magical way I lost the weight for good. The thing is, there is no simple solution. Losing weight took many years of trial and error. It took me failing and then picking myself back up and trying again. It took pushing my body past what I ever imagined it was capable of. It took me giving myself grace and permission to love myself. It took finding people to help me stay on track and keep me accountable. It took making better choices and having willpower. It took reminding myself why I am doing this in the first place. To take back my life and reclaim my health. For my family. For myself.

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I am a visual person and I love seeing before and after photos of weight loss transformations. But what I love more than the photos is hearing the stories behind them. The common thread through each story is the blood, sweat and tears of someone who decided to not give up. When you look at my photos, you can only see the outward appearance. But friends, I wish you could see the inward appearance. I wish you could see a snapshot of all of the amazing things that have changed inside of me. I wish you could hear all the times my body was screaming to give up while my mind was saying you’re strong, you’ve got this, don’t give up.

I am strong.

I’ve got this.

I won’t give up.

While my body was slowly changing, my mindset was doing some rearranging as well. With each time I pushed myself through a challenge, I began to believe what my mind was trying to tell my body. I was breaking the cycle of negative self-talk that had been haunting me for most of my life. I was changing from the inside out.

Whether I am comparing photos, eyeing where the scale lands or thinking about the number written on a clothing tag, I know none of that will ever measure what’s truly important. What really matters is that I am doing all I can to model a healthy lifestyle for my family and that I’m making sure I’m the best me I can be. It matters that my heart is stronger so I can chase my kids at the park and not grow weary. It matters that the muscles in my legs are strong so I can go on long bike rides and hikes with my family. It matters that my arms are strong so I can lift my 32 pound toddler and swing him around until he giggles with delight. It matters that I’m taking care of myself — mind and body.

There are still days when my negative inner dialogue rears it’s nasty head. (I’m not sure if that will ever completely go away.) Just like there are times when I get off track of my healthy choices. I am only human after all. Patience and balance is key.

Today, I am glad to say I’ve lost the weight but I’m even happier to say I’ve learned to become my own personal cheerleader. I’ve learned I am capable of hard and extraordinary things. I’ve learned my self-worth will never be determined by my outward appearance. And that is something definitely worth gaining.

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