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Rochester Local

My Mother’s Socks

 

socksSince COVID, things have been put in perspective a bit differently for me. What I mean by this is that even if you are no longer here with us, I sometimes am grateful because you would have been very unhappy being told when and how many people you were allowed to be around.  But sometimes when I start to worry and keep it all in because there is just too much sadness and unknown these past many months, so many people have lost loved ones due to lack of information or proper guidance, I wish I could do like I used to when I first started to babysit, and call you and just hear your voice and tell you I am worried, or scared.

Sometimes I forget you are no longer here with me, with us. Sometimes I start to forget what you smelled like or what lip color you had on the last time I saw you. I am at peace with the way our relationship was at the end. I know it was not always easy. I broke so many boundaries and now that I have an 8-year-old, I get it more and more.  You always wanted the best for me, for us. I know that out of the 3 of us, I was more like you. I was a little sh*$; I do not know what the proper word is in English, but I know I got this from you after all. I also know deep inside that even if you HAD to be hard on me, you were cheering me on deep down inside. I sometimes catch myself ready to call you, and I obviously cannot. I kind of wish we had kept your cell phone active so I could call you and hear your voice. I have a few videos, and I did save a few voice messages, but it is too hard to go listen to them. Today, I found a few old notes you sent me. One said how impressed you were about how I was at being a mother… You always had a way to make me second-guess myself.

I just wish I could have shown you our new life in Rochester, the awesome friends we have made, and all the trips we are doing in our little old camper. I am incredibly grateful you showed us so young that traveling–whether it be for a day trip or a quick weekend getaway–does not have to be completely planned out. I try to parent your way, but with a twist “à la Lucy”.

The other day, I found a pair of your old socks. They are soft and so warm, exactly like you were, Mom. So, each time I wear them, I think of you.

I miss you so very much.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and, well, today is your birthday (Feb 2). I just think this is good to be shared on the day of your birth. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.

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