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Rochester Local

Dear Sweet Sister, We Miss Her Too

healthy child, heartbeat, high-risk pregnancy, infant loss, infant loss awareness, late term loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, sisters, stillbirth, third trimester loss, ultrasound

Dear Tara,

It’s been about five and half years since your world changed forever. All of your dreams of motherhood shattered in an instant at one routine appointment. I can’t imagine the gut wrenching feeling that must have washed over you as you heard the doctor say they couldn’t find the heartbeat. You were 32 weeks pregnant, nursery already coming together and so confident this healthy child would be in your arms soon. I remember how I found out. I was asleep in my bed when my husband woke me up. He had just finished a late shift at his job and woke me immediately when he got home. He said, “Call your mom, now.” I knew it wasn’t good. I called our parents and they shared the devastating news. You and Andrew were already at the hospital getting ready to be induced. I cried, and wondered how this could possibly be.

 

I guess I should tell you why I was so devastated and confused. You, Tara, are about as perfect as they come. Being your sister, I know you aren’t 100% perfect, but you are obnoxiously close. You always always put others needs before your own. If I ever need anything, you first agree to help and then think about how it will impact you. You are caring, patient, selfless and optimistic. And you are one of the kindest people I have ever met, maybe the kindest person. You are soft-spoken, but confident in your beliefs. Basically, you are everything I am not. I know I have good qualities, but they pale in comparison to the person you are. Whenever bad stuff happens to me, I think, this stinks, but I have never said, “I don’t deserve this.” But when I made that phone call, I thought, “Tara, does not deserve this.” 

As providence would have it, I already had the next day off from work. My husband and I had flights to spend Easter with our family. Mom and dad arranged for family friends to pick us up and then we drove to the hospital. I remember the sad feeling I got when I walked to halls of labor and delivery to see you, knowing that this was a joyous day for so many. When I walked into the room, you were as gracious as ever. Your belly large and your body already responding to the labor inducing medications. I was so glad when you told me you had gotten an epidural, because I just didn’t want you to experience added pain. We hugged, told you how sorry we were, I probably tried to make you laugh and we went on to the waiting room.

We got cheeseburgers for everyone who was waiting room with us. We ate, talked and thought about you. My husband and I went back to your apartment and I remember looking at her room. You guys had already started decorating with the Winnie the Pooh theme. Eventually we got the call that she had been delivered and we went to the hospital to meet her, our very first niece.

I held her and we told you how she was so very beautiful. I remember being angry on the inside, because she was clearly big enough to have survived outside the womb.

 healthy child, heartbeat, high-risk pregnancy, infant loss, infant loss awareness, late term loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, sisters, stillbirth, third trimester loss, ultrasound 

I had prepared myself to see a tiny premature baby, but she just seemed a little bit smaller than the newborns I had met. In the future I would reflect that she looked a lot like our Emma (who we wouldn’t meet for another year), and I fought back the tears as I took in her small features. That was a very special moment for my husband and I, and I thank you for giving us that time. The days that followed were also a beautiful celebration of her sweet life. I was honored to attend her funeral and burial service. You have always given me so many reasons to be proud of you, but the way you graciously handled yourself in those tough moments made me see you as a warrior. Your strength was a testament to the person you are at the core.

In the months that followed you showed this kind loving spirit to me in so many ways. When I found out I was pregnant with my first, just weeks after Abby’s funeral, you called to make sure I knew you were happy for us. That still blows my mind. You had every right to be angry, ignore my pregnancy, and take a few months to digest the news, but you called me. I can’t begin to describe the guilt I felt, but you continued to be the selfless big sister.

I want you to know how much I look up to you, sister, but most of all I want you to know this: We love and cherish our sweet niece, Abigail. We will never forget her. And we miss her, too.

 healthy child, heartbeat, high-risk pregnancy, infant loss, infant loss awareness, late term loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, sisters, stillbirth, third trimester loss, ultrasound

 

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